I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Randomize
