Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize