I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Randomize
