Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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