I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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