i jhust puked up my retainher.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
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