she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
