god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Randomize
