If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
