No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
