If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
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