That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
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