By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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