that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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