ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
