I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
