made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Randomize