this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
