I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
