At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
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