as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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