for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
