rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
