It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
