My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
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