I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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