I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
