You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Randomize
