The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize