did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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