He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize
