Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
He's a Shit stain on my heart
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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