I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
