i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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