Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
