____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
