I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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