Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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