My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
