Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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