Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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