You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
