Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
found the other keg... it's in the tree
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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