I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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