Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
