Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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