Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Randomize
