On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
