how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
