dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
When are your genitals available?
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize