I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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