love makes seman taste better
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
