im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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