yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
