new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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