i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
