i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
