Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Randomize
