She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize