I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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