It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Randomize
