They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
