Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
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