If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
My cat gives me a boner
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
