I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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