You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
