there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
