I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
