Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
