Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
